Today marks a full two weeks of lockdown. Two weeks since we retreated into our family ‘bubbles’ to stay home and save lives. While the enormity of what we are going through cannot be down-played, the speed at which we had to act as the Level 4 lockdown was announced probably left us all feeling a little like we were going through motions and not really appreciating the impact it would have on our day-to-day lives. It’s something that you can only really begin to appreciate as you move through it.
Yes, the first few weeks are somewhat of a novelty. One of the biggest joys has been quality family time like we’ve never had it before. This is also one of the biggest challenges, especially for parents juggling family life with work life during the lockdown. It’s during times like this that we need to rely on the well-coined phrase of being a ‘good enough parent’. Donald Winnicot, a famous British paediatrician and psychoanalyst first coined this term years ago and it has probably never been more relevant. In coming up with the concept, he conceded that parenting is difficult and complex, and no one can be a perfect parent. Given that we are all human, we will inevitably make mistakes on our journey and the best we can aim for is to be ‘good enough’.
During lockdown, I have this phrase on constant repeat in my head. The juggle of trying to work from home while also being an attentive mum and wife can be overwhelming some days. Someone always needs something, and it can be very easy to feel guilty for not being able to be all things to all people.
So, what does being ‘good enough’ mean to me?
It’s making sure that I dedicate time to really ‘be with’ my children throughout the day.
Even if I have to organise this into chunks of time to fit alongside work commitments, having some structured time together means that I can finish each day knowing that I have spent quality time with the kids. I find having these chunks of time together doing something makes it easier to then bridge into some more self-directed and open-ended activities that they can do on their own (I’m lucky that my children are *almost* old enough to create their own fun through play at times).
It’s not sweating the small stuff.
If you’re like me, some days can feel like an obstacle course full of mis-takes and challenging behaviour. I know that I’m not going to win every battle (or even come close!), and so it’s important to try not to have big expectations of myself or my children. Lockdown has given us such an intense time together and there will always be misses, mis-takes and meltdowns. They’re in there behind every glossy family pic on social media – we just like to portray perfection, when in reality, it can be far from perfect sometimes! This is life and the more we can talk about our challenges as parents, the more we will realise that no one has got it all figured out. Being honest about this and not sweating the small stuff keeps me in check with what really matters.
It’s looking at this experience through the eyes of my children and remembering it’s okay to not have all the answers.
My children have already taught me so much. While I’m sure they’re being affected by the lockdown, their ability to adapt and to ‘go with the flow’ is something that, at times, I’m very envious of. It’s hard to let go of what we can’t change sometimes and that feeling of losing control is tough to navigate through. I heard “The Useful Psychologist” talk about circles of control and how important it is during these times of upheaval to focus on what we do have control over. For example, we have control over how we keep ourselves healthy (and sane!) by exercising and practising self-care. Growing our resilience, and supporting our children with this too, gives us the power to know we will get through tough times. We’ve also just started a gratitude jar to help us to remember all that we still have to be thankful for during these uncertain times – a great way to build resiliency and focus on the positive.
It’s reminding myself all the time that I am perfectly imperfect.
We have never before experienced something like we are experiencing now and that’s bound to cause anxiety and overwhelm. There are a lot of things that we aren’t necessarily going to master during lockdown – work productivity, calmness, home-schooling, housework… the list goes on! Accepting this and giving ourselves permission to be ‘good enough’ on all fronts is what will get us through the next few weeks.
So, if you (like me) are constantly worrying about being ‘enough’, remember that the very fact that you worry about being a good parent means that you already are one.
The memories our children have from lockdown will not be centered around the times we momentarily ‘lost it’ or messed up.
They will be centered around how we showed up for them when they needed us most.
How we taught them that it’s okay to not have everything figured out.
How we repaired our ruptures (or mistakes) when we needed to.
How we modeled for them what being perfectly imperfect looks like and how, through being our whole selves, we gave them the courage to be their whole selves too.
” There’s no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one.”
– Jill Churchill