“Children see magic because they look for it.”
– Christopher Moore
Today my oldest son, Jack, the wee man who made me a mother, turned 7.
I have to admit, I was a little unprepared (or so I thought). I hadn’t really thought much about presents (i’m normally a last minute kind of gal!) and with the chaos and overwhelm of the past few weeks, this birthday nudged closer without us really realising it. When lockdown hit, I knew there would have to be some big conversations around birthday parties (or lack thereof) and a more quiet celebration. Not just one of our boys was to have a birthday over the coming four weeks – both were.
So we talked. We talked about our family ‘bubble’, about how the only parties that were to be had would be parties of four. About how we needed to stay home. We’ve always made a point of having big birthday celebrations – a chance to bring friends and family together to share magical milestones. Because of this, I had built the conversation up as being some kind of big, overwhelming thing that our boys wouldn’t really cope well with, convincing myself that it would be a huge feat to hold off the disappointment that a ‘quiet birthday at home’ might bring.
So, in framing it up for them, I tried to understand the feelings they might have.
There’s the disappointment, not because they don’t love being at home with their family, but because it isn’t what they had planned for their birthdays.
There’s also the frustration that they don’t get to decide what happens, that it’s decided for them and it’s out of their control. No one saw COVID-19 coming and wreaking havoc like it has. We couldn’t prepare for this and, even as adults, we know how incredibly hard that loss of control can be to work through.
What I found helped my boys to work through these feelings of disappointment and frustration was to have some control over what they chose to do for their birthdays at home. And we gave them free reign. From planning the day’s activities and baking and decorating the cake through to throwing a family dinner party. It was to be a day all about them and their choices.
Putting Jack to bed tonight after his big day of 7 year old celebrations, I asked him how it was. All day he had seemed to be enjoying himself. As parents, we had turned off our ‘work minds’ and tuned into really ‘being with’ our boys for the whole day. And how did it go? Well, when I asked him to rate his day out of 10, he said, “Can I give it 1,000? I had the best day”. We talked about it more, and very quickly I realised that what he loved about the day was so simple.
He loved having his family with him all day and getting to plan activities for us to do with him. It made him feel special.
He loved being able to take control of his cake and decorate it how he wanted to. It made him feel creative. I have to admit, I’ve probably struggled to let go of control in that department… as a Mum you feel like it’s of critical importance that you nail the birthday cakes!
He loved pulling a family dinner party together, designing menus, creating place cards and organising birthday drinks. It made him feel like he was giving back.
He loved snuggling up on the couch watching a movie at the end of the day. Nowhere to be, no hectic rushing or party prepping, no crowds or overwhelm. Just us. It made him feel happy and calm.
So, as we prepare ourselves for our ‘new normal’ over the coming weeks and the isolation that being in lockdown inevitably brings, let’s not forget the magical moments that it also creates for us and for our children. My 7 year old has just had the best birthday he’s probably ever had. We can learn so much from our children and the way that they adapt to changing situations and environments. Sometimes it’s actually us, the adults, who are the ones who struggle to let go, who hate not being in control, who think we know best. Today, I saw the world through the eyes of my 7 year old and what I saw was pure, uninterrupted joy. The thing is, it wasn’t a day that was jam-packed with activities and games and entertainment, it was a day that was planned by him. He had down time when he needed it. He knew exactly what he wanted. And it wasn’t the fanfare, the big party with all of his mates, the extravagant presents. It was just us. Together. Doing the things with him that he loved to do at home. It was as simple as that.
“Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”
– Winnie the Pooh